after an amazing vacation together I feel a huge void, a gigantic void that won’t leave. Even as I asked if we could be together the following Saturday .. After not seeing eachother for 8 days… The answer was not definitive. 4 months ago , it would have been I can’t not see you. Now it’s well I might or might not be able to. Wow. The love we felt on vacation has obviously fallen by the wayside … I’m no longer an important player in the game. I’m a benched player for whenever it is convienent now . The bitter taste I feel in my mouth tonight is very real. How dare you . I’m very unhappy for the first time since we got together.
Passion
passion can ebb and flow in a relationship. But passion spoils those of us who have had an immense amount of it given to us . It feels amazing ….it is beautiful and exciting and electric. What happens during the ebb? do you go with it? Do you flip out if it doesn’t look like it is going your way? Those words that are amazing .. that are so passionate , so beautiful, and they should be held on to forever.
Doubts..
Doubts.. They plague us all. There are no greater doubts than those in love . Am I enough ? Why am I loved by this person ? Will we last? Will we fall apart? So many questions and doubts follow us into our relationships. Not just lovers , but friendship, and work relationships include doubts ! I doubt if I’m a good enough mother to the previous gifts entrusted to me.
A best friend
There are many definitions of a best friend. As a young girl , it was the one who played barbies with you , rode bikes to school with you , and had sleepovers with. As a teen, and early adult, a best friend was the confident, the one(s) who knew your crushes, pain when the crushes didn’t crush back . Those best friends were there when you took your drivers test , got your college acceptance letter, went to college with you .. Was there for all the firsts. There was the best friend who was your maid of honor at your wedding. Some of those are sisters , some are mothers and daughters, some are husbands and wives.
My parents were eachothers besties . Growing up that was obvious . Then I met this guy in college. He seemed like what I SHOULD be with . I stress the word SHOULD. Upon reflection , I should have known , that I was forcing the issue , the first man I dated seriously, had sex with , was because I felt It was what I SHOULD be doing. Life is full of shoulds… I wanted the coulds, the possibles, the future and everything my parents had. It wasn’t there . And I couldn’t force it ..
Fear
I am afraid of a broken heart . This amazing , passionate, loving man has given me so much …yet the power he holds to break my heart is frightening at best . I believe that at this age , the love I feel for him is beyond genuine and real. At age 20, thus could not have been possible . I feel so much for him.. Petrified to share that I loved him even as the words “I love you” fall from my mouth I was deathly afraid they would not be reciprocated
Love…
I never thought I could be in love again… Not the soul love .. The love that lifts you up ..makes you so happy, makes you excited to greet each day. I have dated a lot in the 8 years since my divorce . I have never felt , possibly even with my ex husband, as strongly as I feel for my love. He is everything I’ve always wanted … Needed. He is gorgeous, in every way. He’s the best father I’ve known.. The most humorous guy!! Which is amazing cuz I love to laugh ! When I think about being with him longer than our short time permits .. I become as giddy as a child in a candy store. I simply adore this man and wonder how can he possibly love me ? What do I have to offer him? Doubts that haunt me in the depths of the night …
heartinhand72 